Tranny Claus: The Tale of the Cross-Dressing Santa

Tranny Claus

Today was a day I was rendered speechless as a parent. Thanks, in all parts, to a Walmart Santa.

Let’s begin…

The day started with two items on the agenda: 1. Driving an hour away to see a famous Christmas light display and 2. See Santa. Now, there was a Santa scheduled to appear at the Christmas light show, but after a quick search on their website I discovered Santa was quite the swindler. I mean, $20 for a picture? That’s one picture. They had packages on their topping $60-$100 dollars. Santa better have his bag o’ tricks stuffed with more than a germy lap for those prices.

Maybe I am just spoiled. Last year, when we lived on the West Coast we had a glorious experience with a FREE Santa. This Santa’s birth certificate said Jolly Old Saint Nicholas, for sure. The urge for me to curl into his lap and whisper wishes of naps and free boob lifts was cataclysmic. He was the real deal. The photographer was a professional. There was warm milk and cookies. It WAS The North Pole.

Here’s a reminder of last years’s picture:

Christmas 2014

Now, the kids look like I just slapped them in a weird man’s lap, but if you look past that you can see this Santa is no joke.

Let’s get back to today…

I was not about to drop a hundred to get a snapshot of my kids looking weirded out in anyone’s lap, no matter how authentic their garb and personal aura. So, I Googled “free Santa” and found, miracle of all miracles, there was to be one this very day at the local Walmart! Now, with hindsight being 20/20, I should have preemptively known that Walmart Santa was really never going to live up to the sugar plum fairies dancing in my head, but I was too far gone. We were going to see Walmart Santa.

I quickly got the kids in complimentary Christmas-colored clothing, put ribbons in hair, made them actually bath in fear the camera will pick up dirt rings and we were off. We pulled into Walmart and eagerly darted inside. My first “sign” of things being less than authentic could have been the handwritten, half-warped sign at the door claiming Santa was inside for free. But, hey, I am not Princess Diana. I can redneck with the best of the Walmart Santas. I am not above Walmart Santas.

The sign, as eye-catching as it was, did not say where Santa’s over-sized arse was located in the Super Walmart. He was just there…somewhere. As we dove into the packs of Walmart shoppers I flagged down an employee.

“Hi, could you tell me where Santa is?” I asked.

She looked at me like I asked where they kept their live ponies. Her stare continued for five to ten grueling seconds when she pointed to lawn and garden. Hmmm…not as romantic as the North Pole, but, again, I am trying to embrace this situation.

As we stroll up to Lawn and Garden, I am expecting a line clear to the grocery section. I mean, free Santa at Walmart just screams mass chaos. But, no, we walked right in and right to the front of the line.

That’s odd.

As I’m quickly stripping the coats off the kids I’m catching glances over to ol’ Father Christmas and wondering if this is a small Asian man with a fake beard and a tremendous amount of stuffing packed into his velour ensemble. I’m not above an Asian Santa — so I quickly usher the kids onto the bench next to Santa and take in the full picture.

Christmas 2015

My daughter’s face says it all.

Yes. This was a woman. Not even a more masculine woman. This was a tiny, butterfly of a woman packed into a Santa suit with a voice as frail and feminine as my grandmother.

Maybe they won’t notice?

So, I just played along. What else could I do? I had to force this farce down my children’s throats because there was no turning back. We were in too far.

This female imposter was the sweetest woman. She would have made a great Mrs. Claus. But, the more she talked, the more questions I could see dancing across my son’s face. After we wrapped up, my son (who is three, by the way, I don’t know who you think you’re fooling, Walmart) asked me, “Mom? Why does Mrs. Claus have a beard? Where’s Mister Claus? Why was Mrs. Claus in his clothes?”

“She just let herself go a little bit this year, honey. But, don’t worry, she’s going to tell Santa exactly what you want.”

So, now my kids think Mrs. Claus is a transvestite and have the photograph to prove it. I feel like this might come up in a future therapy session.

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Kid, Pet and Wallet Friendly Weed Killer: My Attempt at the Dish Soap & Vinegar DIY Plant Murderer

Kid, Pet and Wallet Friendly Weed Killer: My Attempt at the Dish Soap & Vinegar DIY Plant Murderer | mrsmommymack.com

For the first time, my husband and I are in charge of keeping a house from falling to shambles. And let’s just say we don’t know the first thing about… anything. So, I get a LOT of my tips from Pinterest.

While cleaning up my yard today, I noticed our cracked sidewalk was looking a little extra Jumanji. I have turned a little crunchy now that I’m almost 30 and am trying to use vinegar to clean with and any other way I can be a little bit more “natural.” I found this website that discussed the many options available to use vinegar to kill off weeds.

All I knew was I had some dish soap and vinegar, so, I was giving that a whirl!

I had a bottle of dish soap that was almost empty — about two tablespoons remained. I filled the rest of the bottle with white vinegar until it looked like this:

Dish Soap and Vinegar Weed Killer | mrsmommymack.com

Then, I squirted it on this:

Natural Weed Killer: Dish Soap and Vinegar | mrsmommymack.com

For the record, the squirt bottle the dish soap comes in was PERFECT for getting in the cracks. I will definitely be keeping it around. After I got it all soaked up (about two bottles worth) I let it sit in the sun for a few hours. I finished squirting at about 11 am and this was what I had at 4:30 pm after I swept:

Kid, Pet and Wallet Friendly Weed Killer: My Attempt at the Dish Soap & Vinegar DIY Plant Murderer | mrsmommymack.com

Wow! I will be using this again!


Tell me what your favorite weed destroyer is! Do you make it yourself?


Five Easy Ways to Avoid Toddler Tantrums While Shopping

Five Easy Ways to Avoid Toddler Tantrums While Shopping | mrsmommymack.com

Let me start this blog by saying, my kids make me want to drink at 8 am at least 8 times a week. They are by no means runners-up to be named saints in the next century or two. However, I did notice that somehow, I accidentally got something right when raising them. There is a time of day that I want to scream less often and that’s when we go shopping.

I have been thinking about this quite a bit lately and initially chalked their good behavior up to being little, but my son is three and I see kids half his age purple-faced and flopping in checkouts almost daily. So, I thought I would come up with some tips for those sweaty moms with the pleading eyes that are throwing bags of chocolate at their children in hopes to make it out of the store before leaving their child with the cashier.

1. Distraction is my best friend. While I don’t let the kids bring toys in and absolutely DO NOT give them a toy off the shelf to amuse them while I walk, I take this time to talk with them. They have a million questions and almost 75% of them is, “Mom, can I have that?!” Even though my kids have only had a handful of meltdowns while shopping in the past three years, it still makes me flinch like a beat dog every time. But, I always answer that the same way, “No, oh my goodness did you see this!?” Then I quickly point my finger and something or someone to get them very excited about the next thing and forget about the box of tampons they wanted five minutes ago.

2. We don’t promise rewards. We don’t do the, “If you can make it through the store without crying until you puke I will buy you a king’s ransom!” Don’t get me wrong, I have done it, but by giving them the option of public humiliation you are already setting the stage that this is a possibility. Good behavior is the expectation. You can’t walk into the store expecting shit to hit the fan. You got this. Deep breaths.

3. They get a reward if they don’t ask for it. If we can make it from walking through those automatic doors all the way back to the checkout without tears/begging/slapping of siblings, I will grab a treat for them. If they ask for it, the answer will be “No.” This gives you the control and they are rewarded for NOT asking for something.

4. We explain cost. One of the many conversations we have while shopping is about the cost of items. This comes in handy when things are asked for that are extravagant. We explain that this item costs money and when Daddy is gone all day that is what he is earning. In order for us to be able to get that toy/treat he would have to be gone a looong time. We don’t want that, do we? Make sure you only use this one when kids are well rested. Otherwise, Daddy might not like the answer to that question.

5. This is fun! Shopping for our family is a family outing. We really enjoy doing this together and get some quality time without electronics or television. We work together to pick out meals and it’s the time of week we look forward to. If going to the store is seen as hell fire and damnation, kids will act like Satan’s minions. Remember, deep breaths. You got this.