The Year of Potty: 10 Ways "Going Naked" Made Me Cringe

The Year of Potty Training: 10 Times Going Naked Made Me Cringe | mrsmommymack.com

Having two children 18 months apart, I have been counting down the seconds until I don’t have two butts in diapers. Of course, with so much desperation on my behalf, this means my darling three year old son, Boone is in about as much of a rush as …

Sorry, about that, just had to go scoop up a crap-filled diaper my daughter peeled off her filthy butt and chucked on the floor while running full steam into the patio door.

Now, where was I… Oh, yes, my son has his own agenda. We have #1 down-pat. He’s great at going pee by himself and knows how to angle his boy bits after a couple misfires up the walls/floor/sink/dog. But, poop? Oh, hell -to-the-no. The ONLY way he will go on the potty is if he is completely naked all day long. He will then race to the bathroom and go on the potty, which I am tirelessly grateful. However, having a naked child all around the house ALL the time creates for quite a few times I could not believe what I was saying. I have documenting some of my favorites below:

1. “DON’T put your finger in your butt!”

2. “Touching your wiener is for private! You will never want to remember doing that in front of your family!”

3. “Sissy! You don’t touch any of that either!”

4. “Quit putting your bare butt against the window! We don’t need a CPS visit!”

5. “Absolutely NO food goes in your butt crack!”

6. “Why is there a coin in your butt crack?! NO, it is not a pocket!”

7. “Get back in the house! We just moved here! The neighbors can’t handle all this nudity!”

8. “Where did that quarter GO?!!!!!????”

9. “Please stop farting. I’m scared of what might happen.”

10. “Naked time is not for Walmart!!!!”

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The Year of Potty: 10 Ways “Going Naked” Made Me Cringe

The Year of Potty Training: 10 Times Going Naked Made Me Cringe | mrsmommymack.com

Having two children 18 months apart, I have been counting down the seconds until I don’t have two butts in diapers. Of course, with so much desperation on my behalf, this means my darling three year old son, Boone is in about as much of a rush as …

Sorry, about that, just had to go scoop up a crap-filled diaper my daughter peeled off her filthy butt and chucked on the floor while running full steam into the patio door.

Now, where was I… Oh, yes, my son has his own agenda. We have #1 down-pat. He’s great at going pee by himself and knows how to angle his boy bits after a couple misfires up the walls/floor/sink/dog. But, poop? Oh, hell -to-the-no. The ONLY way he will go on the potty is if he is completely naked all day long. He will then race to the bathroom and go on the potty, which I am tirelessly grateful. However, having a naked child all around the house ALL the time creates for quite a few times I could not believe what I was saying. I have documenting some of my favorites below:

1. “DON’T put your finger in your butt!”

2. “Touching your wiener is for private! You will never want to remember doing that in front of your family!”

3. “Sissy! You don’t touch any of that either!”

4. “Quit putting your bare butt against the window! We don’t need a CPS visit!”

5. “Absolutely NO food goes in your butt crack!”

6. “Why is there a coin in your butt crack?! NO, it is not a pocket!”

7. “Get back in the house! We just moved here! The neighbors can’t handle all this nudity!”

8. “Where did that quarter GO?!!!!!????”

9. “Please stop farting. I’m scared of what might happen.”

10. “Naked time is not for Walmart!!!!”

Mom Confession: Have Your Kids Eaten Poop? Mine Have…More than Once.

Mom Confession: Have Your Kids Eaten Poop? Mine Have...More than Once.  | mrsmommymack.com

Please don’t judge me.

Yesterday was the worst day I have ever had as a mom. It made me rethink my decision to procreate.

Let me take you back…

I had just gotten home from work and was just getting ready to relax. Kids got their kisses and hugs and ran off to play. As I stretched my weary body I said to my husband, “Isn’t it so nice now that the kids can play together alone?” Feeling like I had just jinxed myself, I peeked in their room. Adorable playing was taking place and my heart felt like mush. How precious! What cherubs!

About 3.5 minutes later, all hell broke loose.

I sat back in the living room and heard my son shut the bedroom door. I should have went with my gut and went back in. But I waited two minutes and opened the door to pure horror.

My son had taken off his diaper and my one year old daughter had one turd in her hand and one turd in HER MOUTH. The worst part? She was smiling.

I stood there. I froze. Bile rose in my throat as I looked at her poopy lips and my son’s poopy butt hiding in the corner.

What. The. Ever-loving FUCK.

Quickly, I leapt to action after swallowing my dinner back down. I screamed for my husband who threw the Poop Gifter in the tub as I dug my finger in the Poop Eater’s craw.

I have never gagged so hard in my life as I called Poison Control and had the most embarrassing, yet reassuring conversation take place. People sure are nice on that hotline and, apparently, unfazed by my heathen offspring.

Now that the shock has worn off, I think the most horrifying part was the gleeful expression on my daughter’s face. She liked it! What the hell have I spawned?!