I’ll Cry if I Want to.

The amount of tears that I have shed in the past almost six months is amazing. There are tears dried on every sleeve, chair, pillow, blanket, shoulder and animal in my house. Most of the reasons are because of corporate America’s excellent marketing departments. Like, The Santa Claus iPhone commercials (when he asks Siri to show him all the good little boys and girls just breaks my soul) and do I even need to explain my level of hatred towards that bitch Sarah McLaughlin and her slew of handicapped puppies?

So, I need to remind the world: pregnant women’s emotions need to be handled like your carrying a homemade grenade through shark infested waters. Think before you speak in almost every scenario. What you may think is just an ambivalent, non-committal answer to a question about our appearance may rip our souls apart and make us sob in the shower for the next three days.

Example #1:

Before I was pregnant, I wasn’t rail-thin. I was very nervous when I found out that I was pregnant that people wouldn’t, in fact, know I was pregnant and I would be like one of those Hardee’s workers on the reality train-wreck that is “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant.” But, since becoming pregnant my belly has definitely ballooned. But, this morning I was feeling a little down in the dumps about my appearance and decided to spring a question on my husband while he was in the shower.

Me: “Babe, is my belly the same size as before I was pregnant?”

Now, keep in mind I am almost six months pregnant. This question was such a trap it should have been in the deleted scenes of Ocean’s 11. But, pregnant women should not be blamed. We don’t know if we want to be fat or want to be thin. Does he say, “Yes baby you look just like you did before you were pregnant.” And I break into hysterics thinking that I was a fatass before I was pregnant and now I am even more fat and no one even notices because I’m just that “fat-girl-who-always-looks-pregnant.” Or does he say, “Oh no, honey, your belly is much bigger.” Then I become “the-pregnant-fatty-that-her-husband-sees-as-morbidly-obese-and-will-never-be-sexy-to-him-again.”

So what did he do…

Husband: *painfully long pause* “I don’t think so.”

Cue quiet sobs on the other side of the shower curtain.

He was doomed from the gate. He would have been better off pretending to have slipped and cracking his head open.

Example #2

But, not only are we hyper-sensitive, some of you people can be hyper-assholes too. For instance, I own a restaurant and our uniform is a company t-shirt. The other day I was waiting for the bartender to get me a drink for my table when a regular chimed from across the room, “Hey Ashley, looks like you need a maternity t-shirt!”

After I got over the instinct to smash in her forehead with a frosty mug, I picked my dignity up off the floor and waddled out of there not amusing that piece of work with an answer. Really? What happened to you as a child that you need to point out a weight gain on a woman who has 18 weeks of weight gain in her future?

So, in conclusion, please take the time to bite your tongue before you comment on a pregnant woman’s appearance. Even commenting on her outfit might send her over the edge. Picture this: you wake up one morning and: your once-clear complexion is dry and riddled with white-heads, you are too fat to shave your legs, your shirts are too short and your pants are being held together by a withering hair-tie, your hair is limp, your breath smells like puke, you pee your pants when you sneeze, your wearing Crocs because even your toes are fat and… it will only get worse. Then, and only then, can you talk to a pregnant woman.

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