Two of my best college friends and I spent the evening at Barnes and Noble, our favorite store in the world. As soon as we enter those glass doors we disperse to get lost amongst the titles. Today, I found myself in the “Relationships” section, which, ironically, is the most public section of the store, located right next to the cafe where students sip lattes and tap away on their laptops.
To be frank, you may have wondered what came of me over the last month or so. Well, dating is putting me mentally through the ringer. The rollercoaster of emotions has left me, well, like I feel after I ride a rollercoaster: weak at the knees and ready to vomit in an empty popcorn bag. Sometimes you just get to a place where you don’t even want to do what makes you happy or see people you love for fear of having to broach the topic of your love life and you might go on a killing spree so severe, Ted Bundy will look whimsical.
So, I hovered over the relationship section at B&N (as us hipsters call it) pretending to be texting on my Blackberry while my eyes scanned the titles…Why Men Love Bitches seemed intriguing, yet depressing. He’s Just Not That Into You already has a tear-stained slot on my bookshelf. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus reeks of Geraldo and the ’80s….but then I found it, Become Your Own Matchmaker by Patti Stanger.
As soon as I got home I began devouring the self-help book. Patti is a wild-child, Jewish millionaire matchmaker from a city that is bigger than my state but I had to try it. She is so convincing. So, her first challenge to me, a young, dating imbecile is to start a 30 day “dating detox” where I focus on me, and me alone. I also must come up with a list of 10 things that make me the happiest, not 10 things that should make me happy. Patti warned that this may be a tad difficult if your really in a slump but to push on. After much deliberation, quite a bit of hemming and hawwing and a couple scratches on the noggin, I’ve collaberated. And who better to share this with than my dutiful readers?
1. My fat little dog. He loves me so much sometimes it makes him pee. That’s true love.
2. Belly laughs with my best friends. Most of the time it’s at someone else’s expense or about something wildly inappropriate, but that is what makes my life.
3. Chubby little babies. Every time I see one I can’t help but picture my future chitlins and my womb sheds a tear of anticipation.
4. Pontooning with my best friends, good down-home country music and a bucket of summer hummers.
5. Being from a small town. I don’t know how everyone doesn’t want to have a childhood like mine. Nothing beats growing up on a dirt road, riding horses, catching fireflies, the hum of town during deer season, farmer’s tans and country boys.
6. Movie and dinner dates with my mom and brother. Never, ever in my life do I laugh harder than when the three of us are together. I don’t know what it is, but we all just get it. And it’s hilarious.
7. Having subs and old fashions with my grandma. Girl talk all night. No one is a better listener than that woman. She is definitely one of my best friends.
8. Scary movies. There’s nothing more fun to do on a night with no plans than pick up a stack of DVDs, turn off the lights and get the heebie jeebies. So what if you have to sleep with a steak knife under your mattress? Actually, it’s probably better if you do.
9. Reading and writing. I find nothing more comforting than a brand-new book and nothing more flattering than someone telling me they like my writing.
10. My financial situation. Granted, some days I would rather give myself open heart surgery than go to work, but I’m proud of what I’ve managed to make of myself at such a young age.
Stay tuned to find out how my transformation goes…