Dating Dumbass

The question I ask myself about once every other minute is, “Why is dating so hard for me?” I think that maybe I’m a mutant, but then realize that’s not true because there are far worse people on this earth who are in wedded bliss…then I think I was born to be an awkward dater.

When I was in 5th grade I had my first “boyfriend.” And now that’s a very loose term…considering every time he was on the same playground as me I wanted to ralf I was so nervous. But nevertheless, I was one of the first girls in my class to have a boyfriend and if it made me OD on Pepto — it was worth the bleeding ulcers.

Well, back in the days of feather pens and Lisa Frank — my group of friends were little pre-pubescent girls. And who could be better at public displays of humiliation? These friends knew the thought of this boy turned me inside out — so their cure-all was … to force me to kiss him.

I distinctly remember the six or so “friends” I had at the time called me over to a tall oak tree on the playground. They gathered around me and chit-chatted feverishly to block my attention…then the boys brought over my dreaded boy-candy. As soon as I laid eyes on him my flight-or-fight response kicked in and I was bolting. But, I was surrounded and those little girls were quick. They had me in their grasp quickly as I clung to the chain-link fence, begging for the odds of me spontaneously combusting to increase. But before I knew it…we were pressed together. And I mean pressed together…and as I write this I think about how borderline illegal this was…but kids will be kids.

Our heads were mashed together…and I still don’t know if I actually kissed him or not. I can’t even remember my first kiss (apparently I got around in the fifth grade). But yet, this miraculous cure-all didn’t seem to work.

I still want to ralf when I’m around boys I’m interested in. The prospect of dating burns my digestive system so badly it’s almost less painful to remain single…almost.

So, maybe my date-a-phobia was traced back further than the brink of middle school. I’ll have to keep digging.

I’ll keep you posted if I have a breakthrough.

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